Dear Friend,
The following ludicrous story was forwarded to my email by a congregant seeking to lighten his rabbi’s day with some kosher humor. Whether the story is actually true or not is not so relevant…. It certainly could have happened. I found an interesting parallel in my work this week as you will see below.
Outside England's Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant.... The fees for cars ($1.40), for buses (about $7).
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work,
he just didn't show up; so the zoo management called the city council
and asked it to send them another parking agent.
The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo's own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee. The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll.
Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain or France or Italy is a man who'd apparently had a ticket machine installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day -- for 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to just over $7 million dollars ......and no one even knows his name.
This week I finally got down to the bottom of a mystery that had taken place in our local Jewish cemetery. M had passed away and several months after being buried in our cemetery I send the undertaker the file containing the language and fonts for preparing the headstone. The understanding was that the headstone would be the same standard stone that we have erected for the fifteen or so other graves. Lo and behold, the stone that was actually put up was much more elaborate and expensive, it sticks out very prominently (you could even call it ‘snazzy’) and makes the other stones look somewhat ‘drab’ by contrast.
After calling the undertaker and complaining why he had changed the ordered stone without checking with me, he told me that as far as he knew, his worker had erected the ordinary stone. It took several visits to the cemetery to finally understand what was going on.
Like in the above parking attendant, it seems that the local ‘gardener’ who is living on premises in the cemetery has been running a side business of his own. He approaches well meaning family members of the deceased who are interred in our cemetery and promises to ‘garden’ and look after the graves for a nominal fee of several hundred to several thousand baht per month. Lately he became more innovative. His latest idea was to explain to the friends of the recently deceased M that they could put a more elaborate stone up using a craftsman that he could recommend. It seems that the cost was at least THB 45,000 more than what we pay for a standard stone.
There are two reasons I am relating this story. Firstly, if you ever visit the cemetery and are solicited by the gardener, please be aware that the gardener is receiving a monthly stipend from the Jewish Association for tending to the cemetery grounds, and as well he is living rent free on the premises. If you choose to give him a tip, this is entirely up to you. (He probably does not have a padded bank account anywhere and will not retire on the beach).
Secondly, I tell this story, because I wanted to get your feedback about a question that has now arisen as a result of this story.
Initially, the board of the Jewish Association had maintained that all the gravestones should be of one standard. This fit very much with many of the ‘rules of equality’ regarding Jewish burial as described in the Talmud (Moed Katan 27 a-b). There are a host of laws listed there, enacted to be adhered to by poor and rich alike so as not to humiliate the poor at the time of their passing. One well known law is the burial in simple white shrouds (tachrichim). This standard and uniform dress express the equality of all the human beings at the time of their passing. Burial in any other kinds of clothing would invariably create a variety of levels of ‘burial attire’ depending on personal wealth and thus created a distinction between the classes and ultimately humiliate the ‘have-nots’ of society.
In other words, the ‘final journey’ and the cemetery are a time and place where wealth and flamboyance should not play a part. It’s a solemn place where people are not judged by the zeros they left behind in the bank, rather by the good deeds they have done in this world. And while well meaning friends and relatives may think they are doing a favor to the deceased by placing an elaborate monument, it’s highly likely that the soul of the deceased is now in a better place in the ‘world of truth’ trying to escape the very lifestyle he was constantly chasing during his life. To me, its almost like I hear the deceased pleading with me, ‘Stop reminding me about the follies I carried out during my lifetime by making me a different tombstone'. 'Just let me rest in peace and equality with my peers’. After all, as King David says in Psalms ‘For when he dies he shall carry nothing away; his glory shall not go down after him’.
Taking into account that at least half the of the burials till now, have been people who had no family and left no funds to be able to pay for any expenses related to their burial – as a matter of fact, had we not stepped in to bury them they most likely would have been cremated which is totally contrary to the Torah – there will definitely be a visible class distinction created by allowing the elaborate headstones.
However, one could argue, there is no particular Talmudic enactment pertaining to uniformity of headstones and perhaps there is validity to allowing for individual expression in one choice of tombstone for oneself or for a loved one. After all, we are all different and G-d has blessed each of us with different gifts. Some may be leaving a wonderful family behind, for others the tombstone may be the only sign that the person ever lived. Some are blessed with wealth, others not.
Perhaps a happy medium would be the best solution, where a certain range and style of stones are approved for use thereby allowing for individuality while at the same time protecting the dignity of the others by not allowing for anything ostentatious which would highlight the contrast.
I have initiated contact with Rabbis who have great expertise in this field and ultimately the Jewish Association will make its decision based on the clear mandates of Halacha as understood by learned scholars. However, I am also interested to hear whether you, as part of the Jewish Community in Thailand, have any personal thoughts on the matter that we should take into consideration.
Hope to have happier topics in the future. But in the meantime….
Shabbat Shalom
Rabbi Yosef C. Kantor