By the Grace of G-d
Dear Friend,
I wouldn’t remember the incident so clearly if not for the horrifying event that took place a mere six weeks later.
We make myriads of choices every day. Figure that there are 1,080 minutes of every sixteen-hour day that we have at our disposal to fill with our actions.
Often there are several things competing for our time and for out attention. Say for example you are running out for a meeting at work and your elderly mother calls you to have a chat. Or your child asks you if you can drop them off at school because they woke up late. Or your spouse wants you to take out the garbage on your way out. But you are thinking about that meeting that you don’t want to be late for. Should you take a deep breath, change your plans slightly, or be brusque and stick to your schedule rigidly.
There is a choice to be made in this case and many others like this that we face often.
Sometimes it is not so easy to clearly define what to choose.
Some choices are easy. When one needs to choose between good and bad, like to steal or not to steal, it is pretty straightforward. Or if one is feeling lazy and needs to choose between staying in bed or getting up and going to work, it is really a no brainer.
(There is a handwritten note the Rebbe wrote to someone that I call upon when I encounter someone unmotivated to take action who chooses to ‘vegetate’. The Rebbe wrote ‘any actions that you take to rectify your situation, is better than sleeping. How much more so it is better than falling into a deep slumber’).
Staying in bed to avoid life is not a productive choice. It’s pretty easy to know what to choose in that instance. Get up and start your day. Even if you are not sure how successful your actions will be, it is the right thing to at least make an effort.
However, when you are up and running and being industrious, doing good stuff, and then you are faced with the dilemmas I mentioned above, it gets a little more complicated.
Work is important but so is family and friends. The balancing of the two is not always so easy.
I had one of those moments.
It was a few days before the holiday of Shavuot, I was in New York, busily running from meeting to meeting. It was after more than fifteen months that I had been in Bangkok during the Covid-19 lockdowns. I had scores of New York supporters who usually visit Thailand for business, to catch up with. My schedule was already ambitious, and I wasn’t sure how I would fit everything in.
Just then, a friend from my year in Yeshiva in Florida sent me a message and asked me to do him a small favor. To go into the bookstore in Crown Heights and send him a newly printed Shavuot Siddur and ‘Tikkun’ for the all-night Torah study that is customary on Shavuot. (The youth of today would automatically order this book online. My friend is in his late sixties though, and the way to get a new book in an expedited way, is to have someone go into the shop and buy it). Usually I wouldn’t hesitate, the problem was that that it would add at least twenty minutes to my already hectic schedule.
I decided that it’s not often that I get to do a favor for this friend, let me just go ahead and do it. Once I got to the store I found out that to get the book there in time for Shavuot I would have to send it extra special delivery at an additional hefty cost. I decided to go all-out for my friend and send it as a gift with a nice card.
My friend got the Shavuot prayer book in time, was touched by the note and thanked me from the depth of his heart. I was happy to be able to something nice for a friend of more than three decades.
I don’t know if I would remember this story, except that last Thursday morning I learned that this same friend and his wife were in the building in Surfside that had collapsed.
As of the writing of this article they are still missing.
The situation is horrific. Think about it. People doing what is usually the least dangerous thing in the world. Sleeping in their own homes, in their own beds, in the middle of the night. As babies we learn that our bed is a safe place. To make it feel even more safe as we grow up, we sometimes pull the covers over our face as if to keep out the dangerous world out there. To think that all of this can come crashing down in just a few moments is terrifying.
The families of those who are missing are going through excruciating pain that is beyond description.
We can only pray...
And pray we do. First and foremost for those missing and for their families and loved ones whose lives have been torn apart. We also pray for all the rest of us, that our lives be healthy and safe. Successful and blessed.
However, when something tragic happens we dare not just relegate it to wanton coincidence and not recognize that this too, like everything that happens in this world, is from G-d.
Why does G-d bring these things we don’t know. And we know that we cannot know. We are created beings. G-d is the Creator. We are not light years away from him, we are infinitely distant from being able to fathom Him.
Rabbi Tzvi Freeman penned these words in connection with the Surfside disaster
When something like this happens we need to get shaken up.
When a person gets ‘shaken up’ the facade of human invincibility is torn asunder. This recognition of the impermanence of our material ‘castles’ must then be utilized as an opportunity to turn to G-d, the only truly permanent entity and endeavor to try and live our lives in a more meaningful and positive way according to the Torah.
Here is one lesson I learned.
I looked back at the WhatsApp conversations with my friend, and I found a picture of the prayer book that had arrived in time for the festival, alongside the accompanying note ‘compliments of Yosef C. Kantor’.
It dawned on me that I could have easily not have taken those minutes to send the book. I could easily have made the calculation that the expedited mail was too expensive and not worth it to get a prayer book to a friend in time. I almost didn’t go to the shop and once I was there I almost thought ‘it wasn’t worth it’ to pay that amount to get the book there in time.
From my current perspective, with the horrible situation that has befallen my friends, things look so different. I thank the Almighty that I was blessed to make the decisions that I had made.
Imagine how I would have felt if I wouldn’t have made those choices?
My dear friends, we need to make our choices based on a context that is larger than the immediacy of the narrow window of time we live in. Our decisions about how to spend our time should be less about the bottom financial line and more about the ‘real’ bottom line, doing the ‘right’ thing in the eyes of G-d.
Our Sages told us ‘return to G-d one hour before you pass away’. The thing is that nobody knows the hour of their passing. This means that technically every hour could be the last one.
Indeed this is what the Sages are saying, live every hour of your life the way you would want to live the last hour of your life.
Or to frame it from the context of Mashiach’s coming - as the Rebbe taught our generation that we should be anticipating to be the ‘first generation of Redemption’ - make your choices as if this is the last hour before Mashiach will come.
The coming of Mashiach is going to usher in a revelation of G-d of transformational proportion. What would you like to be doing when that epic moment happens? Would you like Mashiach to come when you are halfway through the ice cream container on the couch with your shoes off. Or would you like Mashiach to come when you are doing something mindful and meaningful
Our entire life should be lived from the perspective of ‘how can I best utilize my time do fulfil G-d’s will for me here on earth’.
To go back to my initial quandary. Sometimes it may mean not letting anything distract you from getting to the meeting in time. Especially if let’s say you are an emergency care responder. In that instance, stopping to chat with your mother when responding to an emergency call would be wrong.
Sometimes it may mean not letting the appeal of achieving more material success lure you away from spending quality moments with your child when they need your attention. If you come a few minutes late to the meeting maybe your profit will be less, but the love you showed your child will stay with him for a lifetime.
When you need to make a decision, think about how you would feel if this was one of the last days of your life. Do the most objectively meaningful thing. The holiest thing. The thing that brings the most comradery, peace, kindness and benevolence to the world.
And think also, how would you respond if you knew that the person asking you for your time would not have much time left here on earth. I am not advocating G-d forbid for dwelling on morbidity, but rather realizing that some of the opportunities you may have now, may not always be here. Cherish and take advantage of those special moments to spend with loved ones without telling yourself that you will get to it later….
May the Almighty have mercy on all those missing in this horrendous Surfside tragedy. And may the Almighty protect us all from further tragedies and bless us all with everything safe, healthy, happy and good.
Especially, as we are know during the ‘Three Weeks’ of mourning the destruction of the Bet Hamikdash – the Holy Temple in Jerusalem, may our deeds of Torah and Tzedaka bring about the coming of Mashiach and the rebuilding of the Bet Hamkidash speedily in our days, AMEN.
Shabbat Shalom
Rabbi Yosef Kantor
PS with the Almighty’s blessings, and with the help of so many of you dedicated friends and supporters, the land for the new cemetery has been transferred to our hands and we will soon do the traditional rituals for ‘hallowing the ground’ of the new Jewish cemetery just outside Bangkok (Chachensao).
Much of the funds have been raised, but there is still a way to go and in order to conclude the purchase a very short term bridge loan – GEMACH – was given by a generous individual. This needs to be repaid within a very short time.
For more information or further discussion please reach out to me.