By the Grace of G-d
Dear Friend,
One of my grandkids brought home the following note to their mother from their pre-school teacher:
Hi,
‘Levi had a great day today, … the cutest thing happened the other day he made a drawing and he said he hoped you would like it. He thought about it and then said actually, mummy likes everything I make even when I don’t try, she likes it’
I am deeply impressed at the quality of our daughters’ parenting skills which has impressed indelibly on her child’s inner self that he is loved and valued by his parents no-matter-what.
This unconditional love is a fundamental part of building a child’s self-confidence.
I started to ponder.
How does one provide that feeling of total acceptance and at the same time instill within the child a motivation and drive to put forth effort and keep progressing?
It’s a dance of sorts.
As children, in our formative years, we look to our parents for validation.
On the one hand, when parents show children that they value effort, the children are driven to try harder.
On the other hand, when parents are judgmental and demanding, the child may feel intrinsically unworthy. That they are only loveable if they perform to the expectations of them.
Obviously, there is a balance that is required.
For some, the balance comes naturally. For many, it requires constant revisiting and recalibrating.
I can’t stop revisiting the note in my mind and admiring how relevant it is to our pre-Rosh Hashana self-reflective mode.
Our relationship with Hashem our G-d also incorporates these two facets, for He is our Father and we are His children.
On the one hand, He loves us unconditionally.
Yet, He has expectations from us.
He redeemed us from slavery by taking us out of Egypt and thus expressed His love to us. He liberated us. Fed us. Clothed us. Gave us the greatest eternal gift of divine communication, the Torah at Sinai. And continues to nurture and sustain us.
Yet, He also spelled out in no uncertain terms that He wants us to live up to certain standards.
What happens though if we don’t live up to his expectations?
It jumped out at me from the Parsha this week.
Last week’s Parsha related what happens if G-d forbid we don’t listen to Hashem. Quite harsh words are used.
From reading JUST those verses one could mistakenly feel that G-d’s relationship with us is intensely judgmental.
And actually, that is what the Jewish people felt. After hearing how seriously G-d took their adhering to His commandments they began to feel that they could never ‘make the grade’ and it wasn’t even worth it to put for the effort to try and please their stern Father in Heaven.
Immediately after those strict words, Moshe reacts to this feeling and reassures the Jewish People that first and foremost G-d loves them. Unconditionally.
Here is how it reads in the Torah (Interpolated translation of Kehot based on Rashi):
29:1 After the people heard Moses’ 98 curses and recalled the 48 curses God had threatened them with earlier, they became frightened, doubting if they could endure such suffering. Moses therefore sum
2 the great trials that you saw with your own eyes and those great signs and marvels. You have indeed appreciated these miracles, and they have taught you to believe in God’s omnipotence and to respect His word.
3 But this is not enough. You must also learn to appreciate God’s kindnesses. However, until this day, God did not give you a heart to know, eyes to see, and ears to hear—that is, with which to appreciate—His great kindnesses, specifically, how—”
4 and here Moses continued in God’s name, “I led you through the desert for forty years, during which time your garments did not wear out and fall off of you, nor did your shoes wear out and fall off your feet.
5 You neither ate bread nor drank new wine or old wine, but instead ate the miraculous manna and drank the miraculous water from the well—all this in order that you would know that I am God, your God.”
Continuing in his own name, Moses said, “Furthermore, you came to this place, the territory east of the Jordan River, and King Sichon of Cheshbon and King Og of Bashan came out towards us in battle, but we smote them.
7 We took their land, and we gave it as an inheritance to the tribes of Reuben and Gad and to the half-tribe of Manasseh.
8 So you see that God truly loves you. In order that you be sufficiently impressed by God’s kindness, you must safeguard the words that constitute this covenant by studying them diligently, and fulfill them, in order that you succeed in all you do.”
Moses’ words of reassurance continue into the first verse of the next parashah: “Look around; you see that, despite having angered God on numerous occasions already, you are all still standing firm. Just like the day, which is overtaken by the night but overcomes it in turn, you have enjoyed periods of tranquility in the past and so will enjoy more in the future, despite whatever suffering you may endure in between. And it is precisely the dark periods of life that will strengthen you, enabling you to endure forever.”
In other words, Moshe told the people of Israel, G-d loves you unconditionally.
Even when he punishes you it is rehabilitative. For your own good. Not to be vengeful or vindictive G-d forbid.
Our traditional observance of Rosh Hashana highlights this balanced relationship.
On the one hand, every year at Rosh Hashana we prepare copiously, examining our deeds and making resolutions to be better. In a sense we tremble with trepidation before the ‘day of judgement’ of Rosh Hashana.
Yet, we don’t express our nervousness in our demeanor. We dress in our finest clothing. We eat a festive meal. Our general behavior is intended to portray a sense of confidence that we will be written and signed into the book of life, health, and sweet things.
Some communities focus more on the judgement aspect of the day and don’t get so intimately involved in the joy derived from the festive culinary and clothing component.
Some place more emphasis on the joy generated by the culinary and festive component.
They are both true. It’s a question of emphasis.
Coming back to that note about my grandson.
Here is what I am thinking.
For a child, knowing that he will be valued even if he doesn’t do anything is critical. It is the gift of a healthy self-esteem that will empower him for life.
That is the foundation upon which education can best thrive.
As an outgrowth of this healthy sense of self worth a clearly defined sense of values and standards should be communicated.
Not the mistaken message of being valued or validated only if the child lives up the expectations of them.
The exact opposite.
A child should feel that because of the high esteem in which they are held, it behooves them and is appropriate that they live up to a certain value system.
In our generation, the Rebbe taught us that the proper way to reach out to fellow Jews is by following the Ba’al Shem Tov’s path of highlighting and emphasizing the love that G-d has to each and every Jew.
Not by wagging fingers and criticizing.
By projecting the unconditional love of G-d to each of us.
That whether or not a Jew does a mitzvah he or she is loved unconditionally by G-d.
And because He loves us so unconditionally, He gave us the Torah with its list of do’s and don’t-do’s. Those are the standards and values He wants us to live by because of His great love for us.
The mitzvahs are essentially not for ‘Him’. They are for us. To give us the chance to be in a relationship with Him.
When we don’t live up to His expectations what happens?
Last weeks Parsha said that their are consequences.
But this weeks parsha reconfirms, that even those consequences don’t in any way indicate a lessening of His unconditional love to us.
It starts with love.
It continues with love.
It will end with love. When I say ‘end’ I mean this stage of the world referred to as the ‘galut’ ‘exile’. ‘Redemption’ means that G-d’s love with be expressed openly and in a revealed way.
My dear friend, may G-d’s love to you be expressed by your being inscribed and sealed to the book of life, health and sweet things, culminating in our total redemption with the coming of Mashiach.
Shana Tova
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Yosef Kantor