By the Grace of G-d
Dear Friend,
It is not uncommon for younger people to place more emphasis on their relationship with their friends and peers, than with their parents and siblings.
There are various psychological reasons for this. Not for here and now.
What I want to share is what I have recently observed in the ‘university of life’.
This morning, someone called me at 5am.
(Note: my phone is on virtually all the time (barring Shabbat. For emergencies on Shabbat call Paew at +66 84 728 8494. She will know how to contact me). The ‘data’ is sometimes turned off which means one has to place a ‘real’ call not a WhatsApp call. May we only speak to each other for happy news please G-d).
That puts me in immediate ‘urgent’ mode. I mentioned that it was 5am and he immediately offered to stay up for two more hours and call me back at seven am my time. That would be 2am his time. I told him that once I was already awake, he should go ahead and tell me how I could help him. As it turns out it was a devoutly religious father of two post IDF travelers from Israel. He wanted to ask about hosting his children for Shabbat as they have gone a bit astray and could greatly benefit from being reinspired in their observance of Judaism by a Shabbat at Chabad House. I gave him the phone number of Rabbi Wilhelm who runs the Chabad House at Kaosarn Rd for travelers.
I then advised him to go to sleep and call Rabbi Wilhelm when it was morning in Israel. At a more conventional hour in Bangkok. When you deal with the quantities of guests that we are blessed to host (this week guests list in Phuket tops one thousand may Hashem bless them all) it’s always possible to accommodate another few guests.
I saw that there was still an hour till my alarm was going to ring, so I went back to sleep. Or tried to go back to sleep. But I couldn’t really sleep as I was already wide awake from the call.
I thought to myself, there must be a message here for me. It’s Friday morning, I am about to write a message to the many friends who read my weekly emails, this must be connected to the Parsha.
I began to think about the love that this father had for his children. I later learned from his communication with R’ Nechemya that the children have disappointed him in certain ways. But he still loves them obviously. Staying up till 2am to benefit his kids would be no issue for him.
Illustrations of how parents care for kids even when the relationship has not always been rosy, abound.
I am sure each of you can think of situations where parents stepped in to help their children at great expense, even when the children had been less than respectful to them (to use mild language).
Tossing and turning in my bed, I contrasted this with a recent situation where I was thoroughly disillusioned.
It was when I discovered that someone who I thought was demonstrating true friendship to his friend, was really acting for (partially) selfish reasons.
I am a big fan of the concept of true friendship. The Torah teaches us ‘acquire for yourself a friend’. In the Chassidic tradition the fellowship of friends and their mutual dedication is legendary.
I don’t want to be making sweeping statements here downplaying the immense benefit of developing friendships with others.
I remain hopeful and optimistic that it is possible to have friends who truly care for each other.
However, it needs to be viewed in perspective.
The connection between two friends is the coming together of two separate beings, brought together by commonalities of sorts. That bond can be undone if the commonality dissipates.
This cannot compare to the intrinsic filial bond that a child has with their parents. One quite literally comes from the other. Genetically, and via the ‘nurturing’ that the parents give during the early years of infancy and childhood.
Even if they are or were estranged at some point.
The Torah teaches us this very clearly. One need only study the laws of mourning, may G-d protect us, and you will see that for parents, siblings and children there is the sitting of shiva and mourning. For friends, as close as they may be, there are no halachic mourning requirements.
As I was attending Shacharit at Beth Elisheva at our daily 7:30 am minyan (Sundays at 8:30) I got a flash.
The connection to this weeks parsha is so obvious.
In this weeks Parsha the first of the book of Shemot we read about the enslavement of the Jewish people in Egypt.
It is here (Shemot 4:22) that we first see Hashem calling the Jewish people his son.
The Lord said to Moses, "When you go to return to Egypt, see all the signs that I have placed in your hand and perform them before Pharaoh, but I will strengthen his heart, and he will not send out the people.
And you shall say to Pharaoh, 'So said the Lord, "My firstborn son is Israel." '
So I say to you, 'Send out My son so that he will worship Me, but if you refuse to send him out, behold, I am going to slay your firstborn son.' "
Hashem tells Moshe that His relationship with the Jewish people is like that of a father to a son.
Unbreakable and non-negotiable.
And therefore Pharaoh should yield and send the Jewish people out to their freedom.
We ought to treat our relationship with G-d that way, like a child to a parent. But this takes maturity which does not always come naturally.
With regard to our relationship with our parents, maturing comes more easily. Especially if one is blessed to become a parent themselves. From the vantage point of being a parent, one often begins to understand their own parents and how much they truly loved and love them. Even if they didn’t always know how to express it.
With our relationship with G-d, it may not happen naturally. Our physical (and in a way animalistic) body, does not naturally develop a sensitivity to G-d.
Which is why, when it comes to our relationship with G-d we sometimes make that ‘youthful’ mistake of placing more emphasis on ‘friends’ rather than ‘parents’.
This can lead to decision making that puts materialistic benefits ahead of heeding G-d’s instruction. Like disregarding G-d’s instruction ‘you shall not steal’ in order to line your pockets with dishonest gains.
We should not remain in our natural disposition though. We are not meant to stay spiritually immature. G-d wants us to work on becoming more mature. And we cannot delay it till our soul becomes unfettered from our body and seeks only spirituality. By then we are in the next stage of the journey in the ‘next world’. Too late to make this world into the place that G-d has envisioned and entrusted us to make it.
We need to come to this realization while we live here in an ‘earthly’ and mundane world.
On a practical note.
Let us appreciate our parents more. It’s one of G-d’s Ten Commandments. Honor your father and mother.
And this will spill over to the way we treat our siblings. And our children.
By doing things that cause them pleasure.
When it comes to your loved ones who are alive, there are various ways to please them. A visit. A phone call. A gift. Sharing things that you have done that you know will make them proud, and so on.
If G-d forbid they have passed, the way to send ‘nachat’ to their ‘neshama’ soul in Gan Eden is by doing mitzvahs and studying Torah in their memory.
And let us remember how much G-d loves us.
Like a parent loves a child but infinitely more, as G-d is infinite.
Let us express that love by doing what G-d instructs us to do.
Its an incredible privilege to have the Almighty, King of the king of kings, tell us how to connect to Him.
And G-d will and always does, reciprocate our love to Him, by showering us with His love.
May that be visible to us all with good health, nachas, prosperity and peace, the real peace, with the coming of Mashiach.
Shabbat Shalom
Rabbi Yosef Kantor