By the Grace of G-d
Dear Friend,
Have you ever heard the saying ‘I’m dying of curiosity’?
Joke:
A man asks the doctor: -"Have you got the results of my tests? I'm dying of curiosity!"
And the doctor replies: -"It's not just curiosity..."
This usage of the term dying in this context has even crept into Hebrew.
As in ‘ אני מת לראות אותך ’ ‘I’m dying to see you’.
The word death or dying is used in these instances seemingly for no good reason.
It doesn’t have to stay that way.
Why should a perfectly healthy person speak about ‘dying’ for something so mundane as let’s say ‘chocolate cake’.
Let’s consciously become more positive in our speech. It starts by simple changes and slowly we transform our mouths to say words that are more positive and ‘alive’.
For example, substitute ‘I’m dying to see you’ for ‘I dearly want to see you’. אני מתגעגע לראות אותך
Or ‘I’m dying of curiosity’ can become ‘I’m consumed by curiosity.’
(Or come up with your own special flavor on how to substitute the ‘dying’ for something more positive. I’d love to hear your creative suggestions).
The reason I thought about this is because in our Parsha, ironically, there seems to be a source for the saying ‘I’m dying to tell you’?
The parsha of Devarim begins with Moshe rebuking the Jewish People.
Moshe rebuked the people only thirty-seven days before his passing.
To quote Rashi
And it came to pass in the fortieth year, in the eleventh month, on the first of the month [… Moses spoke]:
This teaches us that he rebuked them only a short while before his death. From whom did he learn [to do] this?
From Jacob, who rebuked his sons only a short while before his death. He said, “Reuben, my son, I will tell you why I have not reproved you [for your shortcomings] during all these years: So that you would not leave me and join my brother, Esau.”
And for four reasons, one should not reprimand a person except shortly before one’s death: So that one should not rebuke and again have to rebuke him, so as not to cause his friend to feel ashamed when he sees him; …
The directive seems to be very clear. If you really feel like telling someone off wait till you’re almost dying.
Jokingly I would say that in that context maybe one could say ‘I’m dying to rebuke you’.
Seriously though, the commentaries ask, how does this above statement reconcile with the commandment in the Torah to correct and rebuke our peers if we see them behaving inappropriately.
It doesn’t seem like the Torah is instructing us to compile folders of accumulated complaints to be shared just before we die.
The explanation given is as follows.
To use contemporary language, the Torah is teaching us to avoid the ‘history trap’.
In relationships, one of the most flammable areas is when we start bringing up history.
Say someone was disrespectful to their loved one. What should happen is that the hurt party informs the hurtful one that they feel hurt and its not ok. Something needs to be fixed. Many snubs and unpleasant comments can be rectified by a genuine and heartfelt apology.
What too often happens is that the snubbed person lashes out at the hurtful person and brings up history. They may say ‘you always do this to me. Last year. Ten years ago….’ And there goes the incident from being an easily rectifiable situation to one that spirals out of control.
The Torah is not telling us to always look the other way. On the contrary, when one sees something that can be fixed in someone else’s behavior there is a mitzvah to say something. The Torah tells us to try and guide our friend to appropriate behavior.
But it should be localized to the incident that has just taken place.
Once that mistake has been rectified, one should not refer back to this issue or bring up previous shortcomings just for the sake of reminiscing.
The only time for that kind of general review is when one feels that their days are numbered and this may be the last chance to share ones reflections.
In our Parsha, Moshe is reviewing the journeys of the Jews in the desert and reminding them of the various mistakes, blunders and sins that they engaged in during the period of forty years.
This is helpful to the Jewish people as they are about to embark into their permanent home in Israel. This is the time when they are given pointers to take to heart.
This is also the last opportunity for Moshe to communicate these lessons.
For future reference Moshe sums up the incidences where they went wrong, so that they don’t fall into that trap again.
That kind of summing up ‘historical rebuke’ is not to be employed during the usual cycle of life.
It too often causes resentment and divisiveness.
Parents should take this to heart and be more mindful in the way they share their guidance. Keep it limited to advice and pointers for the actual situation you are addressing. Don’t bring up old histories that hijack the process and send kids out to get advice from the people on the ‘streets’.
These days we ought to remind kids about this same thing.
Kids, if you think it’s important to point out something (in a respectful way) to your parents that they may have overlooked, don’t resort to digging up old history. It’s not respectful and it’s not effective.
Let us use our words in a way that they add love, friendship and self-esteem to those we are addressing.
During these days of national mourning in anticipation of Tisha B’av, let us focus on rectifying the internal hatred which is the cause of our banishment from the Bet Hamikdas. Let us replace that with unconditional love between all of us.
The Ethics of our Fathers quotes Hillel the Elder as saying ‘be of the students of Aharon. He loved peace, pursued peace, loved everyone and brought them closer to the Torah’.
Why, asks the Rebbe, does Hillel need to give the example of Aharon. Would the instruction regarding peace not be self-understood even without pointing to Aharon?
The point is, when it comes to love, we sometimes limit our tolerance to those who are similar to us. Our love is not boundless to include even those who may be in some respects on the other side of the discussion.
Aharon taught by example that love of one’s fellow needs to extend even to the most underserving of places.
On Chabad.org I chanced upon an article by Levi Avtzon about Aharon’s modus operandi. (based on Avot d’Rabbi Natan).
I never met you, Aaron, but I miss you…
You, who never said to a man or woman, "You have sinned!" Instead, when you would walk along and meet an iniquitous person, you would warmly greet him, "Shalom!" The next day, when this person desired to commit a transgression, he would say to himself: "Woe is to me! How will I show my face afterwards to the holy Aaron, who greets me all the time?" As a result, this person would refrain from transgression—…
You, who when two people quarreled, would go and sit with one of them and say to him: "My son, have you seen what your friend is doing? He beats his breast and rends his clothes, saying: 'Woe is to me! How can I lift my eyes to see my friend? I am ashamed to show myself to him, for I have done him offense!'" And so you would sit with him, until he removed the jealousy from his heart. Then you would go and sit with the other and say to him: "My son, have you seen what your friend is doing? He beats his breast and rends his clothes, saying: 'Woe is to me! How can I lift my eyes to see my friend? I am ashamed to show myself to him, for I have done him offense!'" And so you would sit with him, until he removed the jealousy from his heart. When the two would meet, they would embrace and kiss each other—…
It's more than three millennia since your death, not much has changed. … we still fight over the same petty things such as respect, money and convenience…
I would love to welcome you back.
These days are the perfect time to focus on repairing our relationships with each other.
We may not become perfect, but we can certainly put forth effort and advance in our unity and brotherhood.
This will invite G-d’s blessings upon us and lead to the end of all suffering, the coming of Mashiach and the rebuilding of the Bet Hamkidash, at which time Tisha B’av will be transformed into the greatest and most festive Holiday of all times.
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Yosef Kantor