harsh or kind

Some people enter adulthood and ‘real life’ as kind, giving and sharing people. 

To navigate the complexities of the ‘real world’ where not everyone is good, they will need to learn how to be strict, firm and protective.

Other people grow up tough and protective people. 

They need to learn how to be more kind and giving people.

Truth be told, we don’t have much choice about our natural dispositions.

Whether it is ‘nature’ or ‘nurture’ (there is probably a combination of both), what happened to us in our formative childhood years is what color and molds the people we are. 

I want to discuss what should be our chosen response to other people and events in our lives.

To put it simply: 

Do we say NO first and then ‘but if you meet this and this condition then YES’.

Or do we say YES first and then qualify our yes by adding ‘this only applies if you are not violating this and this red line’.

The Torah seems to be firmly on the side of yes first and no second.

To rephrase it. Light first and then darkness.

At the beginning of creation, the first thing Hashem created was ‘and G-d said let there be light; and there was light’.

Kindness – Chessed is the foundational basis of all of life. The Zohar emphasizes this.

The very formation of the Jewish people happened this way.

Avraham who is described in our Parsha as being the paradigm of kindness which is called ‘chesed’, gives birth to a son Yitzchak who is representative of a more reflective approach which is called ‘gevurah’ strictness.   

It is clear that the G-dly way is to begin with positivity and kindness and only then balance it with strictness and judgment.

The Talmud says about a guest who we don’t really know yet. ‘Honor him and suspect him’. In other words, start off with positive treatment but balance it with healthy suspicion till you get to know the person better.

If this is the way we ought to treat strangers, it is quite obvious that when it comes to our loved ones we certainly need to be kind and compassionate as a default and only inject strictness as needed.

The Torah says very clearly that  ‘your own family comes first’ when it comes to Tzedaka.

Your own extended family – the Jewish People come first when you are choosing who to help. 

I noticed a headline about the wealthiest people in the world. Baruch Hashem there are several Jewish people in the list. Some of them give to Jewish causes. If we could inspire more of them to prioritize tzedakah for Jewish causes that would be amazing.

Here is a recent story where a young law student, a guest at the university of Ottawa’s Chabad House made good on a promise he made in 2008 (which was more like a ‘throwaway comment’), to help buy a building for Chabad’s campus location. 

In 2018 Harley Finkelstein, now the president of the online shopping platform Shopify, made good on his promise. Now a beautiful Chabad student center stands firm and tall being a beacon of light and inspiration to the young Jews at the university. Click here for full story.

Giving and kindness needs guidance as well.

In this week’s Parsha Sarah who guides her husband Avraham to remove the destructive presence of Yishmael from the environment in which Yitschak is growing up. After she sees Yishmael trying to shoot arrows and kill Yitschak she realizes that while Avraham is hopeful that Yishmael can be rehabilitated into being a morally sound person, firm action must be taken to protect Yitschak.

As the Midrashic saying goes, ‘one who has mercy on the cruel, is being cruel to those who deserve mercy’.

To leave Yishmael in the home because of compassion, may well have led to the death of the saintly Yitschak.

Saying yes to what you should say no to is saying no to what you should be saying yes to.

Sarah was firm and unyielding in her demand that for the protection of Yitschak, Yishmael must leave. Immediately.

Hashem told Avraham to listen to Sarah who is more prophetically endowed than him. 

My friends, we live in a confusing world. 

Kindness to dangerous people means danger to kind people. 

Let us follow the path of the Torah. 

Be respectful and kind. 

Responsibly. 

Which includes being suspicious.

If someone asks you to take a suitcase for them to another country. If you know them well enough to entrust your life to them, go ahead. 

However, at the same time consider that some people have been used to be unwittingly as smugglers of severely illegal items. 

Give the matter some thought and be generous and helpful when possible.

And be totally unyielding when needed.

When facing a dilemma? 

Remember the teaching of Torah that because we are all subjective must ‘assei lecha rav’ make for ourselves a teacher/mentor. 

We all need someone who can help us see beyond our own biases and natural dispositions.

Sometimes being nice is being cruel. 

At other times, being harsh is being kind.

May Hashem grant each and every one of us the wisdom to use our attributes of kindness and strictness in the correct balance.

And may we be recipients of G-d’s blessing to live in a world where everything is good, kind, peaceful and secure.

Mashiach Now!

Shabbat Shalom,

Rabbi Yosef Kantor