By the Grace of G-d
Dear Friend,
‘Was it as you expected?’ you are asking, referring to my Shabbat experience at Ko Samui last week.
‘No’ is my response.
It was better than expected. Different.
Perhaps I could use an even stronger word, transformative.
On the one hand, my visit to Ko Samui and leading the Shabbat dinner for two shifts totaling over a thousand guests, provided confirmation of what I had known all along. That utilizing the travel-stimulated-openness to absorbing and learning, our programs deliver a powerful experience. They inspire and proactively promote Jewish continuity.
But there was another important message that came my way.
I asked a few affluent families why they had chosen to join the public meal rather than order Shabbat food to be eaten leisurely and comfortably in their luxury hotel.
‘We came to the Chabad House Shabbat meal because we wanted the experience of ‘be’yachad ’ – togetherness’.
‘Even though it’s cramped and public’ I asked?
‘ Yes ’ they responded. We came to have the experience of the inspiration-filled, energetic and lively communal Shabbat that Chabad is known for.
In other words, what had seemed to me to be a point of inconvenience, was actually the draw card.
This short exchange left me astounded. It pointed out to me once again the incredible relevance and power of ‘reframing’.
Is being squashed in a noisy room with hundreds of other people a nuisance?
Or is it a wonderful feeling of inspirational unity?
Depends how you frame it.
Later in the week I had my own little experience that allowed me to see once again the huge difference that ‘framing’ makes.
Our son Efraim will become Bar-Mitzva in two months please G-d (save the date for the celebration on Monday October 15th in Bangkok). In anticipation of his becoming a man, Efraim began to put on Tefilin this week as a ‘practice period’ to become fully familiar with the ritual by the time he reaches full obligation.
Efraim’s Tefilin were going to arrive with a relative who was transiting through Bangkok at 2am Monday night/Tuesday morning. The unearthly hour was a bit daunting for me. It’s a shlep to the airport, waiting for the long lines at immigration, meeting the traveler, traveling back home. And all at the hours between 12-3 am which are usually the deepest sleep hours.
Before 5am on that same Monday morning my phone rang. My phone is on even during the night in case of emergency. Not sure if this phone call fits the emergency criteria. It seems like it was simply a mistake in calculating the time difference. The woman from Canada who called me wanted to know how her friend from South Africa could send money to her son who was stranded at Bangkok airport. Without hesitation I said I could go to the airport if needed. Lucky for me that my wife gave me the wonderful idea of advising the young man to come by taxi and I would pay the taxi at this end. The young man came, I paid the taxi, gave him the money that his mother sent me via PayPal, fed him some breakfast and helped him find his way to his hostel.
All in a day’s work. Nothing unusual. Except that it changed my frame of reference. I realized that I had no qualms about going to the airport for a total stranger at an inconvenient hour. While my midnight jaunt for family reasons was somehow less tempting.
It all has to do with ‘framing’. The way I was viewing going to help a strange was from the prism of doing something ‘altruistic’. My having been woken up from a deep sleep an hour before my alarm was written off as ‘public service’. Whereas my disturbed night of sleep for preparing my son for his Bar Mitzva was being viewed from the prism of a burdensome chore.
It’s a trap that is so easy to fall into.
Rabbi Friedman was once speaking to a group of high school kids. He put on a biker’s jacket to shatter the stereotype of him being a regular long bearded fedora wearing rabbi. They asked him what his wife did. He said ‘she runs a home for a bunch of unwanted children’. After they oohed and aahed about that altruistic description of his wife’s work, the Rabbi added ‘they are actually our kids – we have quite a few - nobody else wants them’. The look of disappointment on the teenagers face after finding out that they were not homeless street-kids was telling.
That ‘almost-trip’ to the airport at 5am for a stranger, helped me reframe my midnight trip that awaited me later that evening. Traveling to the airport at 2am for picking up my sons Tefilin became a special event that I now looked forward to! Standing in the arrivals area waiting for my niece to find me and deliver the Tefilin did some seem like a nuisance. It was exquisite. What could be more joyous? We are blessed to have been chosen by G-d to be Jewish. Thank G-d our son is about to become Bar Mitzvah and I have been gifted the sheer nachas of introducing him to an eternal mitzvah that binds us with the Almighty. Can there be anything more meaningful than continuing the unbroken chain of thousands of years of fathers transmitting this important mitzvah to their sons? Every step of the process, when viewed from that overall perspective, becomes meaningful.
A chore was transformed into an act of faith, devotion and love. Through a simple ‘reframing’.
‘Reframing’ is a potent way of changing your perspective on things in a way that reduces stress levels and allows for more happiness.
Many people have expressed their difficulty in understanding the following verse in Psalms. (In many versions ( nusschaot ) of the Birkat Hamazon (Grace after Meals) it is included at the very end of the prayer)
‘I was a young lad. I have become old. I have never seen a righteous person who was abandoned. Even while his children asked for bread’.
Question mark. Have you really never seen a righteous person whose life is not a pleasant one? Who didn’t seem abandoned and punished unjustly. Bad things happening to good people is unfortunately not an anomaly.
Ask the Tzadik about his life. Unpleasant things yes. Discomfort and unfortunately even pain sometimes is the lot of righteous people.
Abandonment?
By G-d?
A Tzadik knows he is always in G-d’s presence.
It may feel bad. Even worse, he may suffer the greatest agony of having to watch his children struggle which is even more difficult for dedicated parents than undergoing that same struggle themselves.
He prays for a change in his plight. For a blessed life. G-d wants us all to pray for a blessed life. A physically comfortable life. After all, spiritual service is hindered by physical handicap. More money means more charity. Better health, means more power to help others. Better emotional mood means more energized
Yet he does not feel abandoned.
A remarkable story is told about Rabbi Zushe. CLICK HERE to read
It’s not easy to be a Tzadik. To reach that level of ‘reframing’ things so that absolutely nothing fazes you, because you are with G-d takes quite some ‘exercise’. Daily ‘faith workouts’ and reflective meditation.
But it is quite easy to do a simple ‘reframing’. It just takes some paying attention.
I want to humbly suggest that you take a peek into the things that irritate you. The small nuisance things. Like a husband who forgets to put his socks in the laundry basket. Or a wife that forgot to buy your favorite condiment when she went shopping. Or toddlers that jump over you at the crack of dawn. You get it. the things that so often cause us to sigh, grimace and ‘oy vey’ our way around. Or the ubiquitous ‘getting stuck in traffic’ problem that seems to be growing in so many locations around the world. Not to mention ‘slow download speeds’ that frustrate us as we get more used to snapping our fingers and getting instantaneous results.
Try reframing them. Put a positive spin on them. You may well find yourself humming a lively tune with a smile on your face!
When you smile, it’s contagious. As the saying goes ‘smile, and the world will smile with you’.
Actually, during these special days of the month of Elul, G-d is smiling at us. Encouraging us to get ready for the High Holidays.
Hey, let me be bold here. How about reframing the High Holidays experience? Think about the privilege you have of belonging to a group of people who have an unbroken tradition linking us to the G-dly revelation at Sinai. About spending time with friends and family in worship and dining.
Use the Synagogue time for meaningful reflection. At the very least it is ‘time-out’ from the ‘rat race’ of life. It is sacred time carved into the cosmic schedule of otherwise unbroken bouts of frenetic activity. Utilize it for rediscovering the meaningful things of life.
More importantly, bring your inspiration home and make Torah study and Mitzvah performance a more central part of your life.
Best wishes to be written and inscribed for a good and sweet year.
Shabbat Shalom,
Rabbi Yosef Kantor