By the Grace of G-d, Dear Friend, When you hear the word ‘hero’ does a certain type of person or action comes to mind? Acts of bravado. Uniquely courageous behavior. Individuals who do remarkable things and stand out through their heroism. Perhaps, deep down, you think a hero is a ‘larger than life’ kind of character. Something you would not expect of yourself. I recently bumped into a person that I haven’t seen for quite some years. That person had really aged and since I had not seen her in a long time I hadn’t gotten used to the changes gradually. She was walking with great difficulty down some steps with a stick on one side and a middle-aged child supporting her on the other. I asked the elderly woman how she was. She sighed deeply, the kind of sigh that speaks volumes about pain and frustration, and responded, ‘I’ve become an old lady…’. And then she carried on laboriously climbing the steps to her home. It dawned on me that here was heroism in an unsung form. Many a concentration camp survivor has spoken about the urge to touch the electrified fence and just be over with the excruciating life they faced in the death camp. If you think about it (although it is truly unthinkable), not to take one’s life in that kind of circumstance, while imprisoned in subhuman conditions is an act of defiance. To continue living such a wretched existence, day in and day out, was heroic. I know have given an extreme example. Nothing we know of, can be compared to the unspeakable suffering and torture afflicted on our people during the Holocaust. I use the example to give a different context to the concept of heroism. To make it more relatable and relevant. Heroism is living up to what is expected of you, against all odds. You don’t have to be a specialist in ageing to know that getting old is not fun. Clearly, the aches, pains and restrictions that come with old age are a huge challenge. Breathing in and breathing out when life is full of aches and pains, seems to me to be a form of heroism. Unsung heroism. Because let’s face it, for the most part, old people are not looked up to as giants. The Torah instructs us to honor our elders. Simply, the fact that one has advanced in years, earns them the right to respect. Regardless of their level of wisdom. Sounds nice. Who doesn’t want to be respected? It would be wonderful if this Torah injunction would be more widespread. But even where there is respect, old age is a challenge. To me it seems that it may be a greater challenge than anything the elders may have faced before. For these veterans of life are still on active duty as well. They are expected to live and serve G-d according to the best of their capabilities. Notwithstanding their natural propensity to not be in the best of spirit. Something shared with me a story that happened with their elderly grandfather. For various reasons one of his grandkids didn’t have where to live. They stayed with this widowed grandparent. The other children would ask the father/grandfather ‘how do you put up with the noise and inconvenience of having young kids running around your house’? His response spoke volumes. ‘Just because I am elderly, do I no longer have the mitzvah of working on my ‘middot’ character traits’? Such a statement can only be made by someone who is actually elderly and experiencing the changes that come with old age. You can’t learn old age from an app. I know that the ‘oldify’ app is all the rage now. In brief there is this app that if you upload your picture it can ‘virtually’ add decades to your life and show you how you will look when you are old. The app does not however give you the feeling of what it feels like to be old. It’s ‘cool’ to be young, energetic and raring to go, and see how your facial features will look in old age. The app doesn’t give you a taste of the chronic pain of rheumatic bones or the dizzy spell of high blood pressure and the frustration of now being able to hold things firmly in trembling hands. You think old people are grumpy and foul tempered. Undeniably when we get older, we ‘kvetch’ more. How you can keep from being grumpy when the aches and pains of life catch up with you? Let’s look at the elders in our society with a lot more respect! As to the care providers, the children who devote themselves to caring for ageing parents. They too are heroes. Once we have reframed the concept of heroism, you will rightfully notice that there is a hero living right next door to you and even in your own home. This bumper sticker grabbed my attention when I saw it. ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Be kind. Always.’ When you assume that your neighbor is overcoming his own internal struggles you appreciate them in a different light. Rather than noticing the twenty percent that is not perfect about them, you will start to respect them for the eighty percent that is quite okay. Here is the catch. Don’t use this kind of thinking to accept mediocrity from yourself. Excuses should never be used to support our own laziness. Rationalizations should be applied solely in viewing others. In the context of how we view our fellow Jews here is a way to achieve greater Jewish Unity. See what your fellow Jew is doing in terms of Jewish observance as being a real achievement. Understand that they may have found it really challenging to do that mitzvah. Don’t try and find what they are not doing and be disparaging. View their observance as being one that took supreme effort! This is a Torah based recipe for mutual respect and acceptance. It is the basis for humility even before those who may seem to be doing less than you. In the words of the ‘Ethics of our Fathers’ ‘be humble before every person’. Treat your fellow as a hero. It will inspire them to be more heroic. Understand that the daily choices and challenges you face are your own opportunity for unsung heroism. The difference between making a right choice or a wrong one, is between you and G-d only. Nobody else may ever find out. The biggest battles are the ones that remain unknown. But who cares? You didn’t do it to be written up in the news headlines. You did it because it was the RIGHT thing to do. G-d knows. And YOU know. And that is all that counts. Shabbat Shalom Rabbi Yosef Kantor
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